With Or Without You: Winona Oak On Dealing With Loss At Christmas

Winona Oak used to love Christmas. Growing up in Sweden, it was a magical time for a young kid, who came of age surrounded by a loving family.

This year, though, will be a little different. Winona Oak’s mother passed away from cancer, and the hole in her life will become all the more apparent over the festive period.

Music, though, has been her saving grace. Beautifully touching single ‘With Or Without You’ spoke eloquently about loss, about the role her mother played in her life. Out now, part of the proceeds will be donated to the Swedish Cancer Institute.

Discussing the song, she says…

“’With or without you’ is one of the most personal songs I’ve ever written. I was 14 years old when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and the doctors gave her a maximum of 5 years to live. I always knew that she was one of a kind, more stubborn and hopeful than anyone I’ve ever known. Of course, she proved everyone wrong and lived 3 times longer than all the doctors predicted. She would smile at me and tell me not to worry “I got this, there’s always a sun behind the clouds””.

“As I’m sitting here in the darkness, in the middle of my grief after finally losing her earlier this year, it’s impossible to imagine a life without her. And in the midst of it all, I’m still so grateful to be her daughter, still so grateful for all the love that she gave me. I lost someone that’s irreplaceable for me and with this song I’ll let you into the most broken corners of my heart. Some will say I turned my pain into art.”

The song has resonated with a great many people – while Christmas remains a special time, it can emphasise a sense of personal loss. In this brave essay, Winona Oak discusses grief, Christmas, and how we – somehow – learn to push our lives forwards.

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I used to love this time of the year. The island where I grew up in Sweden looked like a winter wonderland straight out of a fairytale and my heart was so full of joy. I remember the sparkling lights on my childhood street, the smell of saffron and mulled wine. And I remember how my mom would make me a homemade Advent Calendar that she sewed herself. Every morning in December I ran downstairs and opened a new gift from her, usually small clues and pieces that would lead up to the ”big” one that she saved until Christmas Eve. She filled the house with decorations, fresh flowers, candles and the most delicious food and pastries you can imagine. 

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I wish that I could turn back time and feel the cold air upon my face again. I want to feel my itchy rosy cheeks after spending a whole day riding horses in the snow and three layers of clumsy winter clothes upon my body. I want to walk into the warmth of the hallway in our big red house and hear the sound of music and laughter. I want my mom to be waiting for me in the kitchen with food only she can make and questions only she can ask. I just want to be a child for a day again, her daughter.

I’ll never forget the shivers down my back when cancer moved in and she had to be completely isolated in a hospital. I was only allowed to see her through a window, I wasn’t allowed to hug her or touch her, they told me that the risk of infections was too high. My dad never left her side, he spent all his time holding her hand as she went through the most dangerous and terrifying treatments. I was a restless teenager and sat in my big sister’s house during Christmas and New Years eve and felt completely empty. It was a first taste of how bitter life would be without her. This year it became my reality. 

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There was a time when I was looking forward to everything surrounding the holidays but now I feel like it’s just a big fat punch in the face. A constant reminder of what could’ve been. I want to hide somewhere far away and isolate myself until it’s all over. It almost feels like my heart suffers from an incurable sadness, I barely remember the person I used to be. Grief has scattered me into pieces and I find it impossible to move on. I feel like if I leave this year behind me I have to leave her behind me so I just want to stay right here, in this year where at some point she was still alive. 

Another side effect from living in a constant state of crisis is all the jealousy I’ve felt for people around me who have all that I will never have again. The people who get to spend this time with their healthy, happy families that aren’t broken by sickness and death. I wish I didn’t feel this way and it’s been driving me sick with embarrassment. But I feel like it’s so important to talk about because I know that it’s completely human and part of my journey. So if you also had the worst year of your life – I’m sending you so much strength to make it through. We might cry under the Christmas lights and fireworks but we only cry because we loved so hard. Our hearts will never be the same again but one day we will make space for new beautiful things to grow. 

I will miss you forever mom, until I see you again.

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