Up close with a bona fide rock legend...

How would you spend your last day alive? Spinal Tap’s Derek Smalls will be eating animal brains...

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Where would you like to wake up?

Well, I’d like to wake up in me own bed. ‘Cos you know, as a touring musician, you long for that. I think it’s better to sleep in and then cram as much as possible into the remaining time.

What would you like to achieve on your last day?

The climax of the day would be a royal command performance before Her Majesty and the entire Royal Family. It would be in Buckingham Palace, of course, and a lot of my rock ‘n’ roll friends would be performing with me, like the people who were on the record and others I would either invite or guilt-trip into coming.

It would be a triumphant farewell concert, because people, very often, sell so much more after they die. And then just before the very last tune, I would raise two fingers, and there’d be these giant two fingers on the screen and I’d yell, ‘This is for you, Queenie!’ and play a chord and drop. I would be cremated immediately, and white smoke would issue from the top of Buckingham Palace announcing that Spinal Tap had chosen a new bass player.

You host a Last Supper - who’s coming?

I’d invite everybody that’s ever played in Spinal Tap that’s still alive and my three ex-wives and a selection of my ex-girlfriends. Basically, all the ones that wouldn’t charge a fee to appear, which would narrow it down a bit.

What’s on the menu?

Weird parts of animals, such as cheeks and tongues and brains and kidneys and stuff… because if I did get sick, it wouldn’t be till the next day.

What would be your biggest regret?

My biggest regret would be that I never saw me mum after she left when I was four. I think that’d be the moment when I’d finally think about that.

Who would you like to meet at the Pearly Gates Of Heaven?

Me dad. I revered him. He was a very wise man - he said to me things like: ‘Never say never again, again’. Pearly Gates and pearls of wisdom seem to go together. Also, I’d recognise him. You don’t want to meet a stranger at the Pearly Gates.

Describe your vision of Heaven.

I think it smells like my second wife. She was very much into floral scents; the house was full of flowers. We got florist bills that were stunning, so I just imagine that it’s like springtime all year round, isn’t it? It’s a bloomin’ Heaven, is what I would say. Literally. It’s a bloom in Heaven.

If you could be resurrected the next day, what would you come back as?

I think I would come back as the Queen and say what a great show that was. As Queen, you’d say quite a bit, but I think it might be: ‘Wow! What a show that was last night. Who was that? Let’s have him back.’

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Derek Smalls’ debut solo album, ‘Smalls Change, Meditations On Ageing’, is out now on Twanky Records/BMG.

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