Swan Song – Beth Ditto

The Gossip singer's ideal last day on Earth

How would you spend your last day alive? Gossip’s Beth Ditto is going to rob a bank.

Where would you like to wake up?

At home. I’m always away so I miss home anyway. Yes, that’s definitely where I’d wake up: in my bed, with my cat. What would you like to achieve on your last day? I would probably rob a bank, and then buy a private jet and fly into space so I could avoid the world exploding or whatever. But then I would see it exploding and that would be sad.

How would you spend the afternoon?

I would still be at home. I wouldn’t want to travel anywhere because the roads would be chaos.

You host a last supper: who’s coming?

Tim Dunne, David Bowie, Paul Simon, Alice Walker, Yoko Ono, John Waters, and Rick Rubin. I’d like to meet them before I die. And all my friends of course.

What’s on the menu?

Oh God. There’d be a lot of meat and potatoes, lots of vegetarian options, a lasagna, a vegan pizza, a pot roast and a cold buffet for starters. For dessert I’d have three kinds of cheesecake and then lots of spliffs and alcohol to take the edge off the whole ‘end of the world’ thing.

What would be your biggest regret?

My biggest regret would probably be not going to Arkansaw to see my real family, because I would probably stay here with my chosen family.

What is the last song you’d like to hear?

It would be ‘Perfect Day’ by Lou Reed. That would be amazing and kind of ironic, but appropriate if you think about the lyrics.

What would your deathbed confession be?

I don’t really have many secrets. I’d probably tell this boy that I kissed in seventh grade that I’m sorry because I never spoke to him again afterwards.

What would your final words be?

‘I hope there’s no Heaven, because I won’t get in’.

How would you like to die?

If there was an asteroid coming, I would probably take a cyanide tablet. I’m definitely not suicidal! But I’d just be like ‘You know what, I’m not burning to death, man. I’m not doing it’. So yeah, I’d just drop a cyanide and peace the fuck out.

What would you have written on your gravestone?

I think mine would say ‘Thanks for holding that’, because I always seem to have too much shit in my hands, and my friends always tell me that.

Who would you like to meet at the Pearly Gates of Heaven?

Mama Cass. I’d just say to her ‘I know it wasn’t a ham sandwich’.

Describe your vision of Heaven.

It would be like a carnival, with people selling cakes, no-one throwing up on rides, and everything would be free. I don’t believe in God, but if Heaven is real then that’s what it should be like.

If you could be resurrected the next day, what would you come back as?

A hippo. I feel really close to hippos for some reason.They look cute and friendly but actually they’re really dangerous and they will fuck you up if you messwith them. But I’d like to be a domestic hippo like the one in An Idiot Abroad 2.

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