Ramble, rant or reminisce, this is an artist’s opportunity to pen their own Clash article.
This issue, James Chapman, the man behind Maps, turns his attentions to that most satanic of Saturday night pursuits: TV talent shows!
“I’ve been told I can write a piece on anything I like. Well, after thinking for a bit, I thought I’d write about the UK’s current obsession with ‘talent shows’.
You see, to put it in blunt terms, I hate them. To me, it’s quite a degrading kind of ‘entertainment’. Actually, it’s outrageously wrong in so many ways and lures so many talented singers/performers into the ring to be humiliated and have their ‘dreams’ crushed in front of a captivated nationwide television audience.
I read a recent interview with Jason Donovan in which he stated he loved these shows because it was “music by democracy”. I actually think it’s the complete opposite.
You see, if you look a little deeper into what’s going on here, it really is about a ‘factor’ the contestants have to adhere to. They have to walk in the correct way (no room for shyly stumbling on to the stage), they have to wear the right outfit (a very important part of the ‘factor’) and they have to deliver a note-perfect performance. That’s it, right? Well, nope, not really.
There’s the ‘judging’. Week in, week out these teenagers are made to stand in front of a bunch of ‘experts’ to have their performances ripped apart. And that’s the FUN bit, ain’t it kids! That’s the bit we all tune in for! We’re all just waiting for the money shot – a contestant breaking down and crying, a contestant being told they’re not up to scratch and they don’t have enough confidence, thirteen-year-old boys (who’ve been styled so much and wear make-up to make them look like they’re eighteen – is that right in itself?) told they just can’t hit the notes anymore because puberty is kicking in. The list goes on.
And all for what? Why do these kids YEARN to win this record deal so much? It’s a contract for ONE album ALL CONSISTING OF COVERS! And then, IF YOU’RE LUCKY, a career in pantomime. Or, VERY, VERY LUCKY, a London musical.
I mean, sure there have been a few winners in the past who’ve ‘made it’ in one of these reality talent shows. Like LeAnne Rimes, Girls Aloud, um….Girls Aloud, Leanne Rimes. Wow, it really was just a few, weren’t it!
But where’s the majority of them now? There’s always the ‘novelty’ contestant that everyone thinks would be hilarious if they won – and sometimes they do win! But what happens then to this person whose claim to fame is victory by novelty? I really hope they don’t end up dosed up to the eyeballs on anti-depressants because of the blatant realisation it was all a farce. It just saddens me.
So, now these ‘experts’ have taken on the honour of holding the torch to vigorously destroy pop music nowadays. And we all just LOVE it. Oh, cackle as a fourteen-year-old girl is told she’s tone deaf. Yeah, just scream with uncontrollable laughter as some poor kid who has been stitched up is humiliated on live TV because he has the wrong kind of haircut.
These shows are on at just the right time of the evening. Something to watch and laugh about before we all go out on the piss grinning to ourselves and happy in the knowledge that WE haven’t just been emotionally destroyed by a bunch of holier-than-thou ‘judges’.
So. We still haven’t come up with an answer to what exactly these shows are. Let me just ask you this: if a scientist somewhere was to develop a gene which produced a baby who, when sixteen-years-old, could perform perfectly, sing perfectly, look fantastic, make the boys/girls out there scream for more, please every reality talent show judge every time all of the time and give the tabloids a non-stop rollercoaster of gritty gossip, would that gene be ‘the X factor’? Um….no. I think it would be facism.”
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Read ClashMusic’s review of Maps’ wonderful ‘Turning The Mind’ album HERE.
