DJ Disasters: Kid Koala

When it all goes wrong...

Every DJ has one.

A night when everything that can possibly go wrong does – and it does so in spectacular fashion. Launching a new series ClashMusic is set to bring you DJ Disasters, which will feature some of the most respected figures in the dance world reminiscing about those moments when it all went badly wrong.

First up: Canadian turntablist and graphic artist Kid Koala.

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There was this one gig in Italy – it was actually in an art gallery. I was playing after this gentleman (I believe his name was Francois B, although I’m not sure) and I thought he was a rapper or a beatboxer or something. But it turns out when his show started he was covered in talcum powder, completely naked. He rolled a canvas down the middle of the dancefloor and then put two straws in his veins and started bleeding on the canvas… for about forty minutes, with this Philip Glass style music playing.

The audience were pin drop silent, just completely enraptured by this. I didn’t realise this was going to happen when I got hooked into this performance art event! He proceeded to bleed and just walk about on the canvas for about forty minutes and at one point he got quite tired and just decided to crawl into a foetal position. The lights went down and the audience just started roaring with applause! That was just the most hardcore opening act I had ever seen and I was like ‘how am I going to follow this? What can I do to beat that?’ Everything I could do just seemed so calm in comparison.

I turned to the stage where the turntables were and I gave the light director the thumbs up to start the set, which was going to be more of a showcase of scratching and playing turntables. I started going and the second I put one beat on I had a blast from the fog machine. They didn’t show me at the soundcheck but it was literally about one foot from my head, about one foot from the monitor speaker. He just leaned on the button, blowing all this smoke into my face to the point where I literally couldn’t see the turntables. They were less than a foot and a half away from me but I couldn’t see where the turntables or the needles were.

At that point he got really excited about the music and just started using the strobe, which is the worst thing that can happen as all of a sudden your labels disappear on your records and you can’t find your cue points. He continued to do this for about a minute and a half until I was like ‘this guy has to calm down at some point’. But he didn’t he just leaned on the button. I don’t know if he didn’t realise the smoke machine was on but it was literally this kind of fog.

This gets even more interesting! At one point I felt this itch as if my eyes were getting dried out by the fog and my eye starts to twitch, until I realised that my eye lens had dried out from all my blinking in this fog. I actually felt that the contact lens were just under my eyelid and then all of a sudden it popped out. So at that point music is playing and the strobe light is on so I start reaching for my contact lens, to try and get it. At that point it fell and it lands on the record which is playing. So at this point the room is packed full of people watching this and the contact lens is on the record I’m playing and it’s going around each time. What I’m most concerned about at this point is that it’s going to hit the needle and make a horrible noise so what I’m trying to do now without any depth perception is grab the contact lens off the turntable everytime it came around without stopping the record because it’s the one which is actually playing in this fog with the strobe lights on.

I remember feeling that my life had been ridiculous onstage for many years but this was by far the worst gig I had ever, ever done. Now – I dunno – I remember it quite fondly. I ended up having to take my other contact lens out and then I sort of had bad eyesight but at least I wasn’t legally blind trying to DJ in this fog with a strobe light going off! It was a nightmare. I did the rest of the set with dull vision but I did manage to get through it. Once the fog machine was out the picture I managed to get through it. I’ve practised with my records long enough that I could practically figure it out under strobes. But maybe not zero visibility!

Now I have to say to people ‘what kind of music night is this?’ Especially if it’s booked into a gallery, I mean what are they expecting?! It’s interesting because once I started to get everything together the audience enjoyed themselves. It was just a bizarre night from top to bottom, with the support act losing a pint of blood and then Djing blind in fog – that was pretty memorable! I guess you should do your research, at least nowadays look at some of the advertising for the gig and prepare yourselves.

If you do get booked to a show like that.. bring goggles. Wear a mining light on your forehead. Maybe a gas mask, and a spare pair of glasses!

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ClashMusic gives this a rating of… DefCon 2.

Catch Kid Koala in London’s Red Gallery on September 13th.

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