will.i.am, no we won't...

Day late, but with every anticipated dollar in pocket: some reviews of some tracks out now (or somewhen now-ish).

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Bebe Black – ‘I’ll Wait’

The RackNRuin remix of this track featured as a Clash Track of the Day back in September. And, a full year ago, the Guardian penned a New Band Of The Day piece on the Dorset singer, calling her a “rave-pop chanteuse”. Which sounds exciting enough – until a YouTube commenter compares Black, rightly enough, to Paloma Faith, and this song (which has appeared on the schedule again, such is the fluid nature of today’s singles campaigns) proves to be every second as satisfyingly ordinary as 99% of the guff pedalled by Singers With Big Voices in pursuit of emulating a sliver of Emeli Sandé’s runaway success. In a year where Katy B and Lily Allen are returning with new LPs? Your ship may have sailed already, Bebe. Nice cliffs, though. Get yourself some plesiosaurs outta that Purbeck crumble.

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The Orwells – ‘Dirty Sheets’

Is it gonna happen for these Illinois rock rapscallions in 2014? So far it’s been a case of almost but not quite, a fine live reputation not wholly translating to the quintet’s recordings. Thrashing your way through the toilet circuit is fun, sure, but it ain’t paying too many bills – and this new single sacrifices its makers’ regular energy levels for a titillating video. Well, if magnificent bellend Robin Thicke and should-have-known-better sex banana Justin Timberlake proved anything in 2013, it’s that tits sell. Boobs mean bucks. But seriously, shouldn’t someone in the music industry be doing something about this? There’s a radical period of reassessment regarding the exploitation of female figures in videogames right now – you might have witnessed some of the ‘net-and-beyond furore surrounding the generally negative depiction of women in Grand Theft Auto V, or even noted how the reboot of Tomb Raider transformed Lara Croft from pixelated sex symbol to a character of palpable three-dimensionality. And yet, in this enlightened age of equality, here we are approving of a video that constitutes nothing more than a striptease set to forgettable but ‘authentic’ garage rock. To hell with that – someone get onto the BBFC. I don’t want my kids seeing this half-assed, couldn’t-be-bothered-to-make-a-proper-video trash.

(Proceeds to post the video anyway… but if you watch it you're a massive perv and we think less of you.)

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will.i.am feat. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa and French Montana – ‘Feelin’ Me’

Money, drugs, cash, hoes. So it goes, tediously. If will.i.am’s (pictured) M.O. is, honestly, that he doesn’t give a f*ck, perhaps he doesn’t mind if the UK’s license fee-payers withhold his undoubtedly considerable pay packet for pulling quasi-sex faces whenever he hears a high note held on The Voice. And if Miley Cyrus would, please, actually pop the molly she’s blindly ‘rapping’ about, maybe she’d reach some kind of altered-state reality beyond the trappings of her everyday overexposure, leading to an overdue epiphany, at which point she could appreciate this for the MSW that it is. In other words: landfill rap for imbeciles.

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Elyar Fox – ‘Do It All Over’

Wow, context is everything. Compared to the abomination above, this is… is…

No. There are no words. And someone, please, ensure that no more are spoken by this chump, before he smashes tweenie hearts and our daughters are lost to the dark side forever.

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Newton Faulkner – ‘Indecisive’

Sunday just gone was, so Twitter told me, International Kiss A Ginger Day, or something to that effect. I played football that morning, with a ginger lad on the opposing team. I didn’t see him cop a single snog. Perhaps, though, that’s because the amazing mass of Newton’s magnificent mane, showcased wonderfully throughout ‘Indecisive’, has the gravitational pull of a black hole, and all the love for gingers worldwide is being sucked into his filaments and follicles. Kisses shatter at his event horizon. All light is crushed within. As are the spirits of those keen to hear this man try something, anything, that isn’t simply repeating tried-and-tested formulas.

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Read more singles columns, if you like

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