Christmas? Here’s What Gives Blossom Caldarone The Ick

From ice skating to dating...

Blossom Caldarone is an over-sharer. It’s in her nature. In one conversation you’ll probably discover her pet hates, her curious passions, and her lesser-spotted whims, all within the space of 30 seconds.

This extends to her songwriting, too. Ruthlessly honest alt-pop with a commitment to emotional truth, her new EP ‘Maybe In Love (Maybe Not)’ lands on January 18th, and it could be her boldest document yet. Coupled with this, you can catch Blossom live at St Pancras Old Church in London on February 16th.

Before all that, though, she’s got to navigate Christmas. Y’see, while Blossom Caldarone loves the festive period, there are also aspects that – truth be told – give her the ick.

1. Ice Skating 

A common misconception about ice skating is that it’s fun; it’s not. I’m no scrooge, but ice skating is predominantly full of wheezing kids, obnoxious parents and couples convincing themselves they’re extras in family favourite Elf.

It’s also worth mentioning that I can’t ice skate. I move like Bambi when it comes to the rink. My friends have told me my hatred is fuelled by my incompetence. Each year I remind them I simply don’t like organised fun. However, I do still attend to watch from the sidelines, focussing on the one guy who takes it very seriously and is actually quite good. Bravo, sir!

2. Boys That Just Want to Cuddle

Want a headfuck? Then date at Christmas! A lethal combination of depleted serotonin and free Christmas drinks, you will find men to be generous with their love. They begin to miss their mums as festive nostalgia sets in and, as the current leading lady in his life, you become his first port of call.

Before you know it, you’re giving c*ddles on tap and helping Josh/Jack/Harry/Ben etc choose inoffensive and affordable presents for his family. You really are the flavour of the month. I imagine this energy will quickly switch in the New Year when you both realise Christmas makes people do silly things. 

Note, you must do a stellar job in choosing presents in case the dalliance becomes serious. 

3. Flavoured Syrups

Gross. I understand them in essence but they always fail to deliver. ‘Gingerbread’, ‘Candy Cane’ and ‘Peppermint’ all sound wildly exciting but they’re caricatures of their flavours. ‘Candy Cane’ tastes like the US and ‘Peppermint’ like Aquafresh.

I came across one the other day simply labelled ‘Irish’. We figured it was a meek attempt at a whisky flavouring. You’re better off having a double Jameson’s or just accepting that coffee is coffee. 

4. Coats

With Christmas parties and drinks aplenty, I find myself out most nights of the week during the festive season. I understand this to be a common experience. As it hits seven o’clock, you’re surprisingly pleased with your outfit curation and ready to leave; but your pizazz dwindles as you remember the weather waiting for you outside. Despite your passion for fashion, you don’t have a chauffeur and still have to travel on TFL with the rest of the schmucks.

In comes the coat! Unfortunately, it’ll either drown you with its Charles Dickens-esque length or cut you off at the waist like a toddler.

It’s difficult to find an in-between and any efforts of swag are immediately overridden. 

5. Influencers Wearing Couples Christmas Pyjamas

Another sponsored Instagram post appears on my feed and I am met with a HD ex-Love Islander and her roided hubby in matching Matalan two-pieces. A nauseatingly massive jar of vitamin gummies balances on her knee, whilst brownie bonanza protein powder teeters on his. Romance ain’t dead, kids.

However, it’s hard to feel festive when you remember they’re paid thousands for this soulless attempt at Yuletide content. 

6. Winter Wonderland

Forget HO HO HO… how about NO NO NO!

I have only been once and it was hellish. I convinced my year twelve friend Ocean to buy me a mulled wine because I wasn’t eighteen, and then we nearly vomited on the Round Up. Based on how everything else in the world has plummeted since 2016, I can only imagine Winter Wonderland has followed suit.

I take solace in knowing many other people feel the same way about the place; it’s warming to know humans bond over mutual disdain. Whatever brings us together at this time of year is worth celebrating, I say. 

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