If you were to die tomorrow, how would you spend your final day on earth?
Hitting up that big bar in the sky this month, a vision of preened metrosexuality, is none other than Black Francis, AKA Frank Black, the Pixies’ right hand man and a musical chameleon in his own right.
Where would you like to wake up?
I would like to wake up in Rome, because I’ve never been there before and because I’ve always wanted to go. And I’m guessing Sophia Loren lives there. I know she’s getting on a bit but she’s still Sophia Loren, so I’d go for broke with her.
Who would you wake up next to?
I suspect that I would get my wife’s blessing about Sophia Loren. I could wake up next to both of them but I think Sophia deserves all of my attention.
What would there be left to achieve on your last day?
Primping mostly. It’s Sophia Loren! So I would clean up a bit and the first thing I would check are my toenails. I would have a full shave and make sure I had moisturised everywhere. Of course I’d make sure I smell nice too, but not overly perfumed. I think after cleaning and steaming and bathing and primping, I would like to do a bit of exercise – or maybe the steam bath would be enough – to bring out my natural body odour, that fresh, manly scent.
Who do you have at your final dinner?
Well, Sophia, obviously. It’s a big date. I suppose we could have someone else join us for dessert or for a glass of wine, at the end of the meal or at the beginning perhaps. Not another actor but someone we could both relate to. Stephen Fry would be perfect because you can imagine sitting down and talking to him and he must just be entertaining to the max; he would know where to direct the conversation.
What are you going to eat?
We would drink a little bit of red wine – because we don’t want to drink that much and you tend to drink white wine a little faster as it’s cold and refreshing. I don’t know that much about wine but we would probably have an Italian red like Babaresco. We would eat langoustines followed by truffles.
What would you do that evening?
I would go for a long walk through the streets of Rome with Sophia. Maybe Stephen would see us to the gate of the Botanical Gardens but obviously him being a polite man, he would excuse himself.
What would be your greatest regret?
I would be disappointed that I had never been for a ride in a submarine. I was born 1965 and I’m of the generation that has grown up with The Beatles and ‘Yellow Submarine’ is way down in my psyche. So to me, submarine equals Ringo and this magical Neptune-like experience. I’ve seen enough of documentary television to see what it looks like under the sea and I can’t imagine a submarine ride being anything but a haunting, magical, visceral and intense experience.
What would be the last album that you’d listen to?
I would listen to ‘The Best Of Paolo Conte’. He’s a combination of Frank Sinatra, Leonard Cohen and Tom Waits. He sings in Italian and I don’t have a clue what he’s singing about but it’s poignant whatever it is.
How are you going to die?
I think I would like to be crushed by a happy elephant’s foot, accidentally. It would happen very quickly and be relatively painless.
What would your final words be?
I would probably sing a few lines from a Paolo Conte song, maybe ‘Gelato Al Limone’ – lemon ice cream.
What song would you have played at your funeral?
Beethoven’s Symphony No.7 (the Allegretto). I can’t remember whether it’s the first or second half, but it’s the one that gets played at funerals all the time.
What would you have written on your gravestone?
‘Please remove in case of exodus.’
Which dead star would welcome you at the pearly gates of heaven?
The jazz violinist Stuff Smith as I really like how he appears in photographs. He has this ‘thing’ going on that is really warming.
If you were resurrected the next day, who or what would you be resurrected as?
I would come back as a Papua New Guinea chief of the clan. It seems like a good, simple, life. They are still the closest bastion to the wilderness, pre-industrial revolution.
Describe your vision of Heaven.
It’s probably a really great cafe/bar at the end of the universe, to borrow from Douglas Adams, and maybe it’s got a great view of The Big Bang or something. There are not very many people there, but the barmaid or waitress will be very interesting and attractive.
Interview by April Welsh
Read ClashMusic’s review of Black Francis’ new album ‘NonStopErotik’
