BIG WETT Is Here To Solve Your Sexual Dilemmas

An Agony Aunt column with a difference...

“Suckin’ dick is a chore. Going down on a girl, now that’s an honour,” says Australian artist BIG WETT. Looking as if she constantly has a bottle of poppers in her clutch bag, she burst onto the scene in 2021 and is a glorious audio mixture of Confidence Man and Peaches. She fully knows how amazing she is and now it’s our turn to see the superstar in front of our very own eyes. 

We are sat outside in The Hawley Arms in Camden following having previously visited the adult section of CyberDog to pick up some goodies. She is unwrapping the dildo she just bought, “I left my one in Aus, so this is perfect”. She has come straight from a recording session with self-described ‘masked drag monster’ Lynks of which she plays me the demo they just recorded. The song is called ‘Peg Your Boyfriend’. It’s slutty, it’s punk and it’s everything you’d expect from them as a team. As I listen through her headphones, she is singing along and is noticeably proud of her work. After starting her career writing tracks alongside her partner, BIG WETT had unavoidable hesitations about writing music alone. But following the success of her career with only three singles out to date, it’s no secret that she is the sex positive superstar that the world so desperately needs. 

We are initially denied entry into The Hawley (which we now aptly call The Whorely Arms) due to having been spotted drinking by the bouncer. But we eventually worm our way in – I mean who’s gonna say no to her gorgeous smile, teeth decorated in silver gems? We sit and discuss sex stories with the whole smoking area acting as our audience. 

But despite her open-book-approach to sex now, BIG WETT was actually brought up in a different way than you’d imagine. Growing up in an Australian Christian School, she was pressured to sign an ‘abstinence contract’ along with the rest of her year. Refusing to do so at aged 14, she then hid her pansexuality from peers and school but had a supportive Mum at home. “Shout out to Mum, I guess it takes one to know one,” she laughs. “My mum loves me doing BIG WETT, she actually did a PHD on how porn affects young adults. My whole life, school would say ‘abstinence is key’ but I’d come home and be like ‘what the fuck?’ My Mum said to me one time, ‘you should definitely have sex with the person that you think you’re going to marry before you get married’. You need to try before you buy. You don’t buy a fucking house without seeing it first.”

“Like, it’s so funny if you grow up in a really religious school, you normally end up going the opposite way. I am definitely the opposite way. I went gay and to doing drugs. So I refused to sign the abstinence contract and they gave me like a week’s worth of detention. It was worth it.”

Creating slut-pop for the masses, her forthcoming EP ‘PU$$Y’ is ready to soundtrack your future orgies. She sits down with Clash to answer your dirtiest sex, relationship and dating questions- with no restraints holding her back.

Hi BIG WETT, so I have taken real life sex, dating and relationship fails from some of my friends. They need some BIG WETT advice. You ready to give it to ‘em?

*she taps the recording device* Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3! Put it in my ass-hole!!

Dear BIG WETT, what are your biggest icks?

To be honest, there’s quite a few but there’s also like not many. I feel like my expectations for men are just so low that I’m like, everything they do is an ick.

Dear BIG WETT, a man I am chatting to asked me for feet pics. I sent the pics and then he ghosted me. Does this mean my feet are weird?

No, it means that guy is a prick. Next.

Dear BIG WETT, I went out on a date with someone and their tooth fell out mid-date. I’m not interested in her, but don’t want her to think I’m dumping her because of the tooth incident. How shall I tell her?

Interesting. I see where you’re coming from with the tooth. Personally, I’m a bit weird with teeth because I had braces for four years, but I don’t think this is a sackable offence. One time when I was in school, the teacher – I remember it so clearly – she was yelling so loudly. She was like 70. She was yelling so loudly at all us naughty kids that her tooth flew across the room. 

One of my really good friends also has a missing tooth as well and he pops it out as a joke. It’s funny. I think you can work with it. If someone rocks a missing tooth with confidence, that’s hot. If you try and hide it, that isn’t hot.

Dear BIG WETT, I went on a date with a guy and we ended up in G-A-Y. Before we left to go to his place, we used the loo and he had a go at me for washing my hands. He told me he ‘never washes his hands after peeing’ ‘cause he ‘sits down to pee’. Should I still go home with him?

Nah, he’ll be a dud anyway. Don’t bother.

Dear BIG WETT, a guy on dating app Feeld had his kinks listed as ‘anal, threesomes and Free Palestine’. I don’t want to kink shame, but I’ve never heard of ‘Free Palestine’ being a kink before. What’s the kinkiest thing you saw in CyberDog? 

Honestly, I’ve seen everything in that room before. So no, it wasn’t kinky enough for me. Sorry CyberDog!

Dear BIG WETT, I slept with a guy who seemed very inexperienced. He grabbed both my boobs and banged them together. Me and my pals now call him the Breast Banger. Do you have any funny nicknames for past partners or have your friends got any that specifically stand out to you?

*laughs* Oh okay, I don’t have specific names for guys, but I do have funny stories. For example, there was one guy I met in a bar that was a French guy and he didn’t realise I was BIG WETT. Anyways, we got back to his apartment with a friend of mine and he was like ‘oh are you a musician, do you sing the song ‘Eat My Ass?’’ I was like ‘Yeah’ and then he put the song on. He was then like ‘do you like costumes?’. He took me into this room and we fully played dress up. He put on this beautiful lace gown and fur coat and cowboy hat, and put me in a fluffy coat and a silly hat. Then he was just like: ‘Can I eat your ass?” and I was like… ‘Yeah!’ because, you know, you gotta try it!

Dear BIG WETT, my girlfriend at the time was on top of me and had some toothpaste on a spot on her face. The toothpaste fell off her face and into my eye, what fun position would you recommend we do next time to make sure that never happens again? 

I’d say my favourite position is doggy. So give that a go. Then maybe get her to lie down with her arms and face on the bed and ass in the air. That hits the spot.

Dear BIG WETT, do I miss my ex-boyfriend or do I miss the fact that he ate my ass?

Definitely the fact he eats your ass. Just think of all the times he made you feel like shit. You can always find someone else who eats ass.

Dear BIG WETT I fancy all the dudes in a band. I’ve slept with one of them in the past, would it be terrible of me to sleep with the others as well?

Fucking no way, go through all of them!!! Babe, that’s hot. You can even go all together if you’re all into that. I’m into that.

Dear BIG WETT, I got drunk and played my family my sex playlist once. What three songs would you put on your sex playlist?

‘G-Spott’ by BIG WETT, ‘No 1 Pussy’ by BIG WETT and ‘Eat My Ass’ BIG WETT

Dear BIG WETT, I was in bed with a dude once and I accidentally kicked his puppy in the face. What can I do to make it up to the puppy and make him forgive me?

Oh, forget it. The puppy won’t remember that. Just continue on.

Dear BIG WETT, I went on a date with someone who kept talking about how he’s ‘not gay’ but loves the idea of a ‘big cock destroying his arsehole’. What sex toy would you recommend for him?

I don’t think you should buy him a sex toy, I think you should take him to a sex party. You know what I mean, let him experiment. But also like, why hide it, it would be hotter if he was gay. Let him explore in a safe zone for sure.

Dear BIG WETT, I went back with a guy and we just went to second base. Nothing else happened that night. But he did suggest I give him a BJ. What should I do? *Footnote it was my birthday*.

No! Fuck that! Am I fuck sucking someone’s dick on MY birthday. Actually, any day, like, you’ve got to convince me to suck a dick. It’s a job. Eating out, now that is pleasure. 

Dear BIG WETT, I invited a guy around to my house to do the deed. But I got nervous and had a joint before. I then had another and another. He has now turned up at my house and I’m the most baked I’ve ever been in my life, what shall I do? 

Ha! This sounds like me. You should answer the door and be like ‘dude, I’m so fucking stoned’. Then see if he wants to smoke weed. If he doesn’t, then kick him out. You really don’t want to be around non-stoned people when you’re stoned.

Dear BIG WETT, I was sleeping with my girlfriend and as I finished, I farted at the same time. How do I get over the embarrassment? 

Oh my god! Well, you should be farting in front of your girlfriend. Farting is normal, it’s fun. I do the stinkiest farts and I always giggle like ‘yes, I’m hot and I smell. Deal with it’.

BIG WETT will release her ‘PU$$Y’ EP on September 8th.

Words: Jazz Hodge
Photography: Paul Grace

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