Beans On Toast and Bobby Banjo were asked to review a bunch of singles by Clash. They did this on a drive home from Portsmouth nearing the end of a tour that has seen them spend many hours in the car together.
Bob is driving, Beans is drunk. Beans is worried about being mean to people he doesn't know and doesn't feel like he's equipped to criticise musicians doing what they love, he wants to live and let live. Bob feels that he is firm but fair and not afraid of telling it how it is, even if that's harsh…
It went like this…
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Duran Duran – 'What Are The Chances'
BEANS: I'm glad I listened to this song. But I've forgotten it already.
BOB: Classic Duran Duran (chorus, harmonies/ wanky solo) with modern drum machine treatment. You've gotta respect DD for sticking to their massive 1980's guns. The song is emotive but the lyrics are empty. I'd like to listen to this while shopping in Halfords.
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Foxes – 'Amazing'
BEANS: My kind of girl.
BOB: The song is alright. Is it? Where's Lisse? I miss Lisse.
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James Bay – 'If You Ever Want To Be In Love'
BEANS: I really love Communion, great people and a great label, we're friends and have done many projects together. However, I just don't believe this dude. I don't understand why he's so popular. Too middle of the road for me.
BOB: James Bay has exactly the same voice as The Hanson brothers and James Morrison combined. Nice hat James but there's no running away from the fact that David Cameron would listen to this mum rock whilst mowing his Tory lawn.
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Molly Moore – 'Natural Disaster' (Win & Woo Remix)
BEANS: If liked watery pop music I might like this. I wonder if she's ever been anywhere near a natural disaster? It's no Taylor Swift.
BOB: I like it a lot. I just really like it. The voice and the hint of a dance beat. More power to her. It's quite refreshing.
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Sigala – 'Sweet Lovin'
BEANS: A classic Ibiza house banger.. I almost wanna drop an E. Video of roller-skating around bubblegum American suburbs looks fun. I'm get my skates.
BOB: Sigala keen to get in on a bit of Avicci's action, however it's hard not to like this tune. The lyrics are crap but there's no doubt that every hair dresser in the home counties is gonna rinse this tune.
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Teenage Mutants x Laura Welsh – 'Falling For You'
BEANS: This song didn't have a video, it has a soft core porn picture with the words Nu Disco over it. Nu is a shit way to describe music, Nu Metal, Nu rave, Nu Bullshit. I love disco, it makes me dance – this song doesn't make me dance it's a Nu waste of time.
BOB: The song is musically interesting, sexy and weird. I did have a nude turtle joke, but I'll leave it at that.
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Chloe Black – 'Wild At Heart'
BOB: Great looking music video with Tokyo chic, powerful chorus and a great voice. Perhaps a bit top endy and the whole thing sounds like the intro.
BEANS: I like the song and Chole looks like an interesting human. That's said I'd probably listen to 'Young At Heart' by The Bluebells over this.
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CHVRCHES – 'Empty Threat'
BOB: A strong, original power pop hit from CHVRCHES. Love the Scottish accent. I'd happy go down a flume with CHVRCHES.
BEANS: I heard that the singer from CHVRCHES has a radio show and club night called TYCI. Stands for tuck your cunt in. Fucking brilliant. Great tune and video as well, modern pop music that feels and sounds creative. I believe them.
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Walk The Moon – 'Different Colours'
BEANS: I guess I'm kinda surprised that people still listen to this kind of indie music, but what do I know and hey I'm glad they do. It's fun, reminds me of hot hot heat. bag of chips anyone?
BOB: A feel good song with a good chorus, not my kind of music and the synth thing has been done before. To be honest though all it is is a Blink-182 song with a synth.
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Will Young – 'Brave Man'
BOB: A poor effort from the nation's favourite competition winner.
BEANS: This song is arrogant and unbelievable. I could piss and moan about it, but I'm not gonna, it's just not my kind of music. It's music for people that go to shopping centres every Saturday afternoon. Instead I'm gonna go off piste and review a song that I can be positive about…
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Kate Tempest – 'Europe Is Lost'
BEANS: I'm gonna say that this is the best song I've ever heard. I've been a massive fan and follower of Kate since I first saw her in a solar-powered tea tent at Glastonbury many moons ago. This song is her finest work. It sums up every problem in the western world in four minutes. It's a harsh truth that needs to be heard. Ideally in shopping centres, every Saturday. On repeat.
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Beans On Toast's new album 'Rolling Up The Hill' is out now.
