Self-isolation is a good excuse for doing whatever the hell you want.
Manchester's Aerial Salad have grasped the concept, trying to turn this period into an exhibition of loafing, into a feast of relaxation.
In fact, their new video neatly documents this. It's titled 'Lazy', y'see, and features the group kicking back, and thinking about anything apart from work and responsibilities.
The band's Jamie Munro comments…
"'Lazy' is a song that came written out of thin air, I'd taken an edible and after it had settled I picked up my guitar after listening to the Seahorses ‘Love Is The Law’, and wrote that whole song in five minutes, it’s about the fucking joy of having a Saturday in with no plans, sometimes you can't be arsed with 'the sesh' and you just wanna stay at home and embrace your inner lazy, in these times of quarantine that's every day now.
"The video is simply me and Mike and our mate Vez doing what we normally do when we have a Lazy day together, was filmed pre lockdown.”
We're able to bring you 'Lazy' before anyone else, alongside Aerial Salad's 10 step guide to lazing during the COVID-19 lockdown…
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The word ‘isolation’ is one I’m all too familiar with. After giving someone a red card in high school for being sent out of a lesson, I got sent to isolation, and now in the time of COVID-19, we find ourselves right back… in school (but not an actual school, they're closed).
So, here's 10 things you can do to enjoy yourselves.
As 20-year-old enthusiasts of the devil’s lettuce (ask yer Da' they know what we mean) we've found ourselves actually spending quite a lot of time inside doing fuck all, which is what the 'Lazy' video is. So, come on everyone, there’s no ‘I’ in virus (oh shit there is. ‘I’ and ‘us’. Shit).
Thing 1: Football Manager
Safe, the footy is off, there's no betting, there's no bastard Matt Ritchie, nothing, but there is in Football Manager. You can get any one of those games, personally I'd go for about 2007 when I still knew all the players (not personally). Be prepared to drop HOURS into that cunt. This is a quick fix for if you also miss your admin job, because it’s essentially spreadsheet manager.
Don’t like football? I’m not even fucking sure if I do, but I'll tell you what will keep me going for 2 weeks, screaming at made up dots on a screen wearing my 95 NUFC drill track suit whilst smoking a fag.
Thing 2: Low quality recordings/bootlegs of your favourite bands
Eventually you're going to run out of high quality fashionable sexy music videos like ours, and you're gonna wanna remember what it was like in the before times. Remember DIY gigs? Remember big gigs? Remember any gig(s)? Well guess what, some cunt with a bad camera has filmed it (unless it’s a live video of ‘I’ll Buy’ by The Replacements [email protected] if you have one send it me or if you are The Replacements, hello).
Mike is an aficionado of this past time scouting wide and far, from finding a vein of 1990 Snuff footage to the La's playing half of their unreleased material (if you don't know who the La's are, you're obviously cooler than Mike). In these videos there’s always people shouting out things that never get addressed, and sometimes if it’s a smaller band playing (like ours) you can hear the person recording having a fuckin natter. If you're a fan of bass and hearing things properly, be prepared to replace that with unbearable crunch and hissing.
There's a video of Jawbreaker playing Accident Prone circa 1994 and it sounds like cthulhu attempting to swallow 47 jumbo planes all containing snakes. Remember, surviving isolation is all about trying new things. Which leads us to…
Thing 3: Learning to cook with the scraps of the barren
Tesco’s Spam casserole, Linda McCartney sausages and oat milk stew. Strawberry and turmeric pancakes, Bisto and bog roll…
These are all meals I am hoping I won’t have to make, but seeing as hand sanitizer is now more expensive than petrol and some absolute nonce at Aldi nicked all the loo roll, and the only fusilli is the few silly individuals still trying to go to pubs (don’t go near my nan you fucking idiots), we're quite possibly going to have to get creative with our dinners (wipe your bum in the shower).
Is this going to be fun? NO. Am I genuinely a bit worried about what's gonna happen with food? Yes, but as there’s fuck all I can do about it, I'm going to pretend that this is just how life has ALWAYS been, because fuck me it’s how it’s gonna be for a while.
Anyway, I reckon one thing I’m going to be doing is attempting to ration my food better. Now I like a spliff and three large Dominos pizzas in one sitting as much as the next person (I’m not even lying when I say I can do that, ask Mike or Vez from Wonk Unit) but, I simply don't have the money any more for insane Western overindulgence, so I’m gonna be trying to make stuff last.
Like an idiot, I didn't really think about what food I would need to get, so I got a fucking fairly large amount of Linda McCartney shit, and absolutely fuck all to have it with. In my cupboard there is currently: four tins of baked beans, some potatoes, some Italian herbs, some American herbs and also an empty tube of Pringles. That’s an easy dinner, beans n’ Linda’s.
You wanna see what it's gonna be like when it's bran flake fajitas and popcorn tacos? Things are going to be strange, but hey as long as you can get as many nutrients as possible, have fun creating new and strange meals.
Thing 4: R/Deepintoyoutube
So, Youtubeey, mental gaff. I'm an experienced searcher of bizarre videos on Youtube. I actually have a playlist called 'The stash'- these videos are typically ones that have less than 2000 views and are about six years old minimum.
This is the cream of the fucking crop, this is the internet at its absolute most pointless, it’s the Wild West of content. This is what Will Smith was talking about. I'm going to attach a link to one of the best videos I've found in this vein:
Pointless and brilliant.
Thing 5: Break world records no one cares about
Pick up the Guinness Book of World Records if you have a copy at hand, then pick a random number within the pages, and smash your finger on a record. If it can be done inside, and you have the tools, fucking have a go. Who knows, you could be the next world record holder of putting pegs on your face.
For the record (if you'll pardon my pun) no one from "the book" will come and validate these records due to you know… the big inside, so you'll just have to know within yourself and congratulate yourself.
I'd recommend having an award ceremony – buy tin foil now before it runs out, and you could make a commemorative hat (remember that kids TV show, The Shiny Show, where those puppets would sing 'everyone give yourself a shiny' and it would just be household goods wrapped in foil? Maybe you could recreate that, maybe that's a waste of tin foil, only time will tell).
Thing 6: Dogging???
If you're self-isolating with a partner/spouse/accidental Tinder nightmare (honestly imagine waking up the next morning after one Tinder date with someone and boom you're living together… Channel 4 don’t even fucking think about making a TV series of that, or I’ll actually batter you) (I won’t)) you can go and have sex in your car! whatever you do, don't go and drive the car anywhere and try not to touch anything enroute to the car.
If you still have tin foil left over from the award ceremony you did earlier, you could even fashion masks (which is a transferable skill) and maybe if you made a really good one, you could win a record for it. I won't be doing this one as I don't have a car or a partner, however you know, good to brainstorm.
Thing 7: Start a new hobby
This one sounds really naff and bland, but honestly people collect stamps. To me that’s boring. Other people take photos of trams, that’s just fucking daft. So, what's your mad hobby gonna be? I'm going to take up hair dressing myself, because no cunts gonna see me, so it doesn't matter if my hair looks frail.
Obviously, I have a hobby which is playing guitar. If you have one knocking about you've not played, then have a go at it. I've got a usb keyboard that I'm going to learn how to play every Gary Numan song on, and then eventually write a musical about the big inside. Haven't got an instrument? Even a spoon can be used as an instrument (as well as a tinfoil swaddled award).
Reading may be a good hobby, there's lots of mad things you can read about on the internet. When the internet inevitably goes down, you can reapply this to reading shampoo bottles whilst you have a shit like you did in 2006 (ahhh the before times).
Thing 8: Ring your most hated tabloid newspaper and waste their time
I discovered a couple of years ago that some newspapers have 24-hour hotlines you can ring and much alike You've Been Framed they will give you 200 quid for a story. I don’t fucking approve of the tabloids as most of them are vile. Some are so vile they're campaigning to be banned, so don’t fucking buy them, but do waste their time.
For every John ringing to say something awful they post a racist headline about, you bell them up and tell them about a new sofa you've got.
Alternatively, just get high and fucking natter absolute bollocks, tell them you have a hot covid lead, lead them down a rabbit hole, somehow incorporate the tinfoil celebration prizes into the call, see how long you can hold them for, they all deserve to have their time wasted, cunts.
Thing 9: Self-reflection time
I spend a lot of time inside having a big think. I live on my own and I can’t be arsed going out a lot on weekends. I like to think about who I am, the things I do and why I do them, what I like about myself and why, and what I don't and why. I also like to think of funny nonsense and then ring my mates and tell them about it, that’s one of my favourite things.
We may not be able to have a jar and line together, but you can still chat to your mates about absolutely fuck all and anything. That’s gonna be a lovely way of being alone, with the reassurance that yep this is fucking mental, but we're all in it together.
Hey, you may be able to learn something about yourself and/or the world (like how capitalism is clearly failing us and why you honestly must never, ever, ever trust a Tory).
Thing 10 Write a list of ridiculous things and send it to Clash
You can write nonsense like this and hope Clash are kind enough to publish it, or you could maybe write a book about anything you want. Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a musical about fucking racing trains made up in a kid’s imagination. He not only wrote it; he made a musical of it. I've seen this musical; it’s fucking mental.
What the fuck is that mate? It’s barmy.
A big recommendation for isolation is watching that on Youtube. You could try and write poems about things, or er, draw? You know what I think some of this belongs in a different category, but at this point I'm lost, I'm not gonna lie.
So, I’m gonna just round this off by saying, 'Lazy' (the video) is about having a massive fucking chill inside and loving it as a treat. Some days are gonna be rough, but I hope you all can find daft things that make you laugh throughout it.
My nan's started watching Heartbeat. Classic.
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‘Dirt Mall’ is out now on Roach Industries/Plasterer Records – order it HERE.
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