Terrible Noise: The Worst Albums Of 2014 So Far

At least, to these ears, anyway…

Before we get into the traditional half-year celebration of what’s been great in 2014 so far – from albums to films, games to fashion – let’s pause to consider, just for a few minutes, some of the very worst records to have plagued the Clash stereo over the past six months.

Because, if nothing else, we can all learn from these releases: to not suck so awfully.

(Now, of course these are not the absolute worst albums released in 2014 so far. Okay, maybe Kasabian. But they are certainly poor records that Clash has covered. So...)

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Coldplay – ‘Ghost Stories’
(Released May 16th, Parlophone)

“Separation is writ large across the themes of ‘Ghost Stories’ – and knowing what came next in Martin’s personal life, perhaps that was always to be expected. What’s not is just how lifeless so much of this material is, how instantly forgettable these songs are. Which, from a band that made ‘The Scientist’, ‘Clocks’ and ‘Viva La Vida’, is simply criminal.” 4/10

Read the full review

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Kasabian – ‘48:13’
(Released June 6th, Columbia)

“This album might satiate the seasoned Kasabian fan, but for anyone else it just comes across as the dated output of false prophets. With maximum attitude but minimum threat, they present themselves with the empty aggressive gestures of sheep in decidedly wolfish clothing.” 2/10

Read the full review

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Clean Bandit – ‘New Eyes’
(Released June 2nd, Atlantic)

“If the album had a concept (which it doesn’t) it would probably be ‘round the houses’, as each track tries its damnedest to latch onto any dance genre of the last decade. ‘Heart On Fire’ is the garage revivalist track you’d find in a Logic tutorial, ‘A+E’ is a throwaway ode to UK funky, and when Stylo G wanders in for the commercial dancehall of ‘Come Over’, you can’t help but think he might have got the wrong room.” 3/10

Read the full review

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Lily Allen – ‘Sheezus’
(Released May 2nd, Regal/Parlophone)

“‘Sheezus’ often gets lost down its own self-ironic rabbit-hole, the product of Allen over-straining to reestablish herself as a distinct voice rather than the magnetic lyricist that sparkled prior to her ‘retirement’ four years ago.” 5/10

Read the full review

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Pharrell Williams – ‘G I R L’
(Released March 3rd, Columbia)

“In part, the feminist themes of ‘G I R L’ are intended as a reaction to ‘Blurred Lines’, yet Pharrell suffers from more than a few grey areas himself on ‘Hunter’, which utilises some fairly disturbing imagery. ‘Just because it’s the middle of night / That don’t mean I won’t hunt you down,’ is just the tip of a fairly sizeable iceberg of unsavoury lyricism.” 4/10

Read the full review

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Coming soon: Clash’s favourite albums of the year so far. They’re good. Well, we think so.

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