One final day on Earth. What are you up to? This is what Clash asks one musician, every issue. This month, it’s the turn of Mr Scruff to tell us about his plans for a massive tidy-up, followed by a seafood feast possibly best avoided…
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Mr Scruff feat. Denis Jones, ‘Thought To The Meaning’, from ‘Friendly Bacteria’
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Where would you like to wake up?
Being away every weekend, I’d like to wake up in my own bed, at a decent time – probably about 10 o’clock – with a cup of tea next to my bed, and a load of clothes ironed out and set out for me.
What would like to achieve on your last day?
I’m like a teenager in that I always leave a trail of stuff behind me, whether it’s empty teacups or records not put back in their sleeves – just stuff in piles everywhere that never gets dealt with. So I reckon I’d have a massive tidy-up. I’d do all the DIY stuff that I’ve been promising to do for the last couple of years – I’d put the shelf back up in the bedroom, fill the hole in the wall in the landing, and I might mow the lawn if the weather’s alright… Basically all the stuff that annoys my wife I’d deal with, so I can make sure my legacy wasn’t a load of mess and unfinished jobs. Oh, and I’d take some prawns out of the freezer as well.
You host a Last Supper – who’s coming?
My wife likes Columbo, so I reckon I’d invite Peter Falk round, just to keep her occupied, and then just a load of mates and family, of course, and anyone that likes prawns.
What’s on the menu?
I’d have a massive bin liner full of defrosted prawns. I wouldn’t want to leave anything in the freezer that wouldn’t get touched. Maybe there’d be mayonnaise. Maybe if we were being really posh, we could mix some tomato and mayonnaise together and make a Marie Rose sauce.
What would be your biggest regret?
Not cooking the prawns properly.
What’s the last song you’d like to hear?
‘Acid Indigestion’ by the Gherkin Jerks. It’s a mad old Larry Heard record from the late-’80s, which is quite queasy-sounding, and is the perfect soundtrack for stomach cramps and intense abdominal pain.
What would your deathbed confession be?
I’ve got the 12” of ‘Careless Whisper’ by George Michael, but I’ve not told anyone about it. The instrumental is perfect for karaoke practise, and the constipated sax solo, if you play it when you’re DJing and work the EQ, it’s great practise for perfecting your sex faces.
What would your final words be?
“Avoid the prawns.”
How would you like to die?
From food poisoning.
What would you have written on your gravestone?
Probably a bit of an explanation that’s also a warning: “Enjoyed prawns, but didn’t cook them thoroughly.” The gravestone would be made of pink polystyrene and would be made in the shape of a seafood platter.
Who would you like to meet at the Pearly Gates of Heaven?
There should be a bouncer there, but he should have a white jacket on, white trousers, and a clipboard. And a sick bucket for me, just in case.
Describe your vision of Heaven.
Being quite a grumpy old fart, Heaven is like a list of stuff that I think we should be without. So no daytime TV, no Smooth Radio, no adverts, no unnecessary scatter cushions – especially on the beds – and properly cooked food.
If you could be resurrected the next day, what would you come back as?
A massive prawn.
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As told to Simon Harper
Photo: Shaun Bloodworth
Mr Scruff’s new album, ‘Friendly Bacteria’, is out now on Ninja Tune. And you can totally hear it, right now, on Clash – just click here for our review and album stream.