An ideal final day
Swan Song - Kaiser Chiefs' Ricky Wilson

How would you spend your last day? Kaiser Chief Ricky Wilson will be mucking about on boats.

Where would you like to wake up?
My house by the sea to the sound of ropes pinging against boat masts and gulls on the roof. Instant coffee, white toast and watching The Wright Stuff in bed. It’s my last day! If I haven’t done it yet I don’t want to cram it all in now.

What would you like to achieve on your last day?
I’d like to be able to pull off looking good in a biker jacket. I have one but it just doesn’t work for me. It’s like the same thing when I try and use slang words for marijuana. Pot, dope, doobies... I always feel daft saying it.

How would you spend the afternoon?
Mucking about on boats. I hope it’s a nice day. I’m not asking for the clear, warm waters of Formentera. Just as long as I’ve got a pair of flippers and it doesn’t freeze my literal bollocks off that’s fine. Can I have a Calippo?

You host a last supper: who’s coming?
Stephen Fry would obviously be too busy going to other people’s ideal dinner parties to attend this one. There’s probably quite a long waiting list for him. It would probably be just me and my girlfriend, Lesley. Nights are always better when they’re under planned. We might end up going to the pub, or sat on the sofa with three remote controls trying to figure out Netflix.

What’s on the menu?
Fish and chips. It’s not my favourite, but I think if I had all the best stuff I’d be on a real downer about dying and everything I was gonna miss. Plus, I can have far too much salt and Les can’t say a thing.

What would be your biggest regret?
Not inviting more people to my last dinner party and just having fish and chips. 

What is the last song you would like to hear?
I’m currently stuck in a Pet Shop Boys cycle. For reasons I won’t go into (it’s my last day, I haven’t got much time for fuck’s sake) it’s the only thing on my new phone. I like ‘Being Boring’ at the moment. It’s a bit morbid, but I am dying. It’ll get me in the mood.

What would your deathbed confession be?
I’m from Bradford.

What would your final words be?
‘Did you lock the front door?’

How would you like to die?
Heroically in my sleep.

What would you have written on your gravestone?
I can order sandwiches 
In over forty languages
They sent us out in thunderstorms
And sent me home in bandages

I’ve watched sun rise over Versailles 
I’ll take that with me ’till I die
Cos I took a photo on my phone
And printed up some merchandise

I’ve watched it set from Minarets
Forgotten more than I regret
In India I found myself
But then I lost me in a bet

On top of the Acropolis 
Or at the bottom of Loch Ness
It may not mean that much right then
But give it time it means lot less.

Who would you like to meet you at the Pearly Gates of Heaven?
Justin Bieber. (Note to Beliebers: this is purely a joke. I do not believe that he is dead or wish him to be so. If he knew that he’d be turning in his grave.)

Describe your vision of Heaven.
An infinite star hotel. Everyone is just down the corridor, and there are no kids in the pool. Room service, dressing gowns, mini bars and easy-to-use Netflix. We’d constantly be arranging parties for the soon-to-be departed, standing there with margaritas by the gates with a banner saying, ‘Aren’t you glad that’s over!’

If you could be resurrected the next day, what would you come back as?
I really like being a human man. I think I’ve got the hang of it. I learnt as a child and haven’t had a lesson since. But if coming back as a human man (slightly taller and with straight teeth) is out of the question, then it would definitely be an otter.

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