Top Ten - Festival Rumours

It seems no sooner has the last tent been abandoned amongst a sea of mud, topped with sporadic Kate Moss-esque multi-coloured wellies and beer cans that the festival rumour mill begins to shift into first gear - coming thick and fast like a Pete Doherty drug bust.

Injecting a dose of suspense and a whiff of the unexpected, juicy rumours contribute to the festival season being so exciting and special. Here are Clash’s definitive Top Ten festival rumours – some bordering from the sublime to the ridiculous….

Potentially the biggest comeback gig of all time

1. GLASTONBURY 2008 - THE FINAL CURTAIN
This year’s festival could be the last. Who else is bored of this rumour? We hear it every summer and have done for the past zillion years. The 38-year-old festival has had to dispel this bad boy more times than Liam and Noel have thrown their dummies out of their Madchester prams. In saying that, Mr Eavis and offspring don’t help by suggestions that the mud-fest will be no more ‘because of the cows’ addiction to tent pegs’. Let’s put this rumour in the sleeping bag once and for all. Glasto is here to stay until Mr Eavis says so. OK?

2. FAB THREE AND HEY JULES – 1994
Before they reunited for ‘Real Love’ in ’95, Macca, George and Ringo were tipped to come together onstage at the Isle of Wight reportedly for £3million each. The daunting task of fi lling John’s considerable sized shoes would’ve been up to none other than his son Julian Lennon. Potentially the biggest comeback gig of all time, it didn’t happen but we can all Imagine. No doubt Macca would’ve loved to sing ‘Hey Jude’ to Jules live.

3. LED ZEPPELIN ARE GIRLS? 2008
Following their triumphant comeback gig at the O2, rumours that the Kings of Rock will take a vacation from the rest home and hit any number of festival stages this summer has been rife. Of course you can trace the Chinese whisper as far back as Glasto ’93 when Plant and Page were tipped to wow the festival crowd. Dumb-ass of the year award must go to Bonnaroo Arts and Music Festival that cleverly advertised its Led Zeppelin all-girl tribute act amongst its headliners – promptly sending the rumour mill that the real band were performing into overdrive. Good one.

4. RADIOHEAD – OK COMMUTER - 2008
Thom Yorke does get a hard time for his commendable environmental crusade – no more so than when a popular tabloid reported that the band would not be playing Glastonbury because there are no public transport infrastructures in place. Yorkie was quick to clear the polluted air, stating it is because festival-goers will be sick of the sight of them – not due to the fact the band are trying to play places with some transport other than cars. Plenty of horses round Glasto Thom.

5. MILK IT - 1992
Kurt Cubain is dead. That was the rumour circulating about future martyr and Nirvana frontman’s whereabouts at Reading ’92. Not much of a shock, but perhaps the strangest rumour that rose was that the headliners would be replaced by Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine. As if. Cobain was promptly pushed on stage in a wheelchair before jumping up and giving a performance of a lifetime. Sadly, it was the band’s last performance in the UK before Kurt lost his gun licence.

6. THE STONE ROSES – THE THIRD COMING - 2005
Considering Ian Brown hadn’t spoken to John Squire for the best part of a decade, there was more chance of Michael Jackson turning
black. Brown laughed at Squire’s quest to reform for a festival, claiming with typical bravado that the guitarist had “realised that he’s only ever been someone when he’s been stood next to me. Without me, he hasn’t achieved anything.” The ‘F.E.A.R’ star seemed to have forgotten the Roses’ disastrous performances at Reading and Benicassim in 1996 – without Squire.

...apparently the drug-fuelled frontman was becoming a paranoid android

7. YOU JUST HAVEN’T EARNED IT YET BABY - 2007
Twenty years after splitting, The Smiths reportedly turned down nearly £3million to reform for last year’s Coachella US Festival. Morrissey suggested money didn’t make any difference when it came to rejoining forces with Johnny Marr. Thankfully it didn’t happen, as surely any reformation should be consummated on UK shores? In the meantime, Morrissey will be taking Hyde Park “like a flea inhabits a dog” at this year’s O2 Wireless Festival. Festival-goers had best take some repellent.

8. KIDS WITH GUNS
Woodstock ’69 is best remembered for Jimi Hendrix’s rendition of ‘The Star Spangled Banner’, but The Doors – one of the biggest rock bands at the time – were noticeable absentees. Jim Morrison had recently been arrested for indecent exposure whilst performing at another gig; and that was the popular myth as to why the ‘Light My Fire’ stars didn’t perform to the 80,000+ crowd. But apparently the drug-fuelled frontman was becoming a paranoid android and was convinced that he would be shot, hence the no-show.

9. PURPLE RAIN – 2003
In ’93 he was known as ‘Symbol’ or was it ‘Artist Formerly Known As Prince’? Whatever his name was, there was strong reason to believe that the controversial funkster would headline at Glasto. Mind you, we do hear this every year, and to date he is yet to appear. Let’s hope it isn’t a case of the boy who cried wolf because how perfect would ‘Purple Rain’ be, hey?

10. TERROR SQUAD – 2007
A real star concludes the top ten. Real life Braveheart, John Smeaton, the man who kicked terrorist ass at Glasgow airport was invited to take to the stage at Retrofest. T In The Park didn’t want to have to increase security so Retrofest stepped in. Bizarrely though, organisers claimed he would be taking to the stage with “his favourite ’80s band for a jam” to play The Clash’s ‘I Fought The Law’. Joe Strummer would’ve turned over in his grave.