Idiot Boxing

Wagwan my telly-addicted brethren, and welcome to another critical tickling of all that telly-land has on offer. Check yerself.

First off, it's admission time. I'm the King of the Castle this week, because I technically have a week off work. That's right, get jealous. I have a fantastic seven-day stretch free from stringent deadlines, free from the perpetual low hum of a laptop, and most importantly, free from public transport - or to give it it's full title, pubic-shitting-transport.

I'm the King of the Castle this week

With all this unaccustomed leisure time at my disposal, it only seems right and proper that I should stock up on salted snacks of various shapes and sizes, booze of varying colours and potency, flick my mobile into my wash basket, and settle into some top quality daytime television. And no, that isn't an oxymoron, you smart arse.

Daytime telly is, by it's very definition, brilliant television. It exists solely in a time and space that you would otherwise spend drinking lukewarm machine coffee, attending tedious team meetings, and if you're especially unlucky, sat next to a middle-aged lady called Eileen who, whilst being perfectly nice, insists upon sucking the flavour off of every single crisp she eats before biting into them. The very fact that you are watching anything on television whilst all this is still happening, essentially makes you a winner.

That doesn't give you license to watch any old shit though. The temptation to watch elderly couples suffer abject disappointment at auctions on Bargain Hunt, or to see shiny chavs debate each other's lineage on Jeremy Kyle can be overwhelming, but why would you settle on that dross when you can watch Poirot and Sherlock Holmes back-to-back? (ITV) That's an almost lethally concentrated dose of sleuthing, but damn it feels good.

If you're lucky enough to have Sky (and let's face it, if you like reading columns about telly then chances are you don't make do with five channels) then seriously, once you realise how good daytime programming is, you might find it hard to drag yourself back to work. The Paramount Channel show Scrubs, Frasier and goodness knows how many other ridiculously good shows during the day now, Sky Movies screens movies of all certificates at pleasingly inappropriate times (pin number required, natch), and Sky Sports can usually be relied upon to provide one of their excellent Premiership Years series during the day, for a refreshing blast of nostalgia.

...a posh bloke in khakis wittering on about a sad koala

If even that is not enough for you, then the Beeb can be relied upon to deliver something animal-based and education, like Animal Park (BBC2) but be warned - viewers sensitive to exposure to Ben Fogle might need to wear sunglasses, or perhaps mute the sound. Still, if your work-mates are anything like mine (sorry Eileen, I love you really), then a posh bloke in khakis wittering on about a sad koala is very much the lesser of two evils.

Jeremy Kyle, the king of daytime? No chance - such is the quality and breadth of stuff on during the day now, that the real king is the viewer. Book some holiday and see for yourself.